.........towards the stream of thoughts

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The LOVE Network


 
May be this is the hundredth time I took the pen and hold it between my fingers to write down my story. But every time I failed to gather sufficient courage to turn my emotions to the words. But at last I am writing my story. No matter you may think I am a fool, a lunatic or whatever. No matter you laugh at me, hate me.
                                I was really fed up of this life. Giant yellow buildings, dust, hot sun ,chalk, desks and teachers who are eagerly waiting to find the faults of children! It was my tenth standard. I wondered why this system is this much harsh for someone to get imprisoned in academic work. I wanted a change! Freedom! To lead my life as I wish being free from the life caged to the hateful books and to open my wings and fly in my own paradise flourished with my dreams and fantasies.

                                Internet is full of fun. I knew it. I wanted to get that enjoyment. My life was barren  and desolated without any entertainment .I had to cut off most of my expenses to save penny by penny to by my own broadband connection without begging   Papa for money. After three months struggle I was able to save a satisfactory amount. So that’s how the doorway of my dream unveiled. But when I bought it I never thought it would create this much changes in my life. Who can foreshadow the future? If anyone could, how nice it could have been?

                 When all my friends had new laptops I had to use my antique computer which was bought by Papa decades ago for his employment purposes .Anyway I was proud of myself that for the first time I have bought something I badly needed with my own courage.

“ORKUT!” that was the word which echoed in the mouths of all the youngsters those days. I too wanted to have an account.

                                Few days before getting the connection I asked from my friend how it works, how to make an account and all the stuff. To my greatest relief it was free!

              My parents never bothered to see what I am doing. I wondered whether they in fact loved me. That evening I sat in front of the computer with the dongle; the awesome result of my three months’ dedication. Making Orkut account is nothing that much difficult as I expected. It was so simple!

       At first I felt sorry about myself. All most all of my contemporaries already had joined Orkut. I wondered whether I was the last person to join it from our class. My blood boiled when I found that Anoop too has an account! He is living in a slum! How come? I felt that I am far behind from all the joyful lives my classmates having.

            From that day onwards my life changed. I used to log into the internet every evening after the school. I was lucky enough to enjoy the freedom as my parents hardly opened the door of my room and peeped to see what I am doing.

                    At school I never worried to talk with the girls. I don’t know why I felt such a thing. It may be, because I was shy. But when I analyzed the facts myself I found that there is no reason to be shy to talk with girls. But I didn’t want to put it into the action at school. I knew then exactly I will be get noticed by my friends and surely they will start to tease me. What I hated most was being humiliated by the people around me.

               Few days passed and I was enjoying a lot with my Orkut account. I sent requests to many girls of the class. But it was Anshita who confirmed it first. I had chats with many boys but I didn’t have enough guts to chat with a girl. I doubted whether they will think ill of me. That night Anshita was online. Her name was displayed on the top of my chat list since it started with letter A.

 I had a big struggle with my mind whether to chat with her or not.

 The hero inside me yelled “Come on Man! Don’t hesitate”

But the coward protested “Are you crazy to start chatting with girls. What will they think of you? If she wants she will say HI first”

After a fight of few minutes the hero won the game

I felt my fingers trembling when I typed those two letters. I felt ashamed of myself.

“HI” I sent. Then my eyes were fixed on the chat box.

Anshita is typing

“Hi Additya!”

I was wondered! Such a quick reply? I have never talked even a single word with her at school. And I am not such a remarkable student whose name is always mentioned at the class room. I wondered! Perhaps she might have heard my name from others. I thought.

“How are you?” I typed

“ Fine and you?”

“Me too”

“Glad to hear”

“Oh why?” This question made me totally helpless. Really I felt regret for what I have typed before.

“Nothing” I typed after a silence of few minutes. I didn’t know what to do. I went offline even without saying good bye to her.

I cursed myself. I did not have guts to tell her what I was longing to tell. I was anxious whenever I saw her.

********

 That happened long ago. Even after that I met her several times.
I just ignored her because I was feeling something strange every time when her eyes met mine.
I did not know what happened all of sudden. My heart said I am in love with her…But I didn’t tell her how much my heart seeks for her love.

Days passed rapidly. Since then things have changed little by little. I just waited and watched. Now she is with some other leaving me behind in an untold agony and endless regret.

P.S-
Once in the life time there is a person whom you love unconditionally. All of us have a dream partner. But in the most unexpected time you fall for someone whom you never had a clue of loving. Love makes you confused! Specially when you can’t express what your heart says. I loved Anshita it is now I realize how foolish I have been to hide all these emotions and let some other to take her away from me. I never knew whether she had a slightest romantic feeling on me. But she was my princess, she was my queen , she was my angel! And still she is.. No matter I don’t deserve her! I can never be angry with her. My heart will always be beating for her. Though I have not been fortunate enough to feel her mild touch, her glossy lips, fragrance emanating from her long black hair… I feel her in every dream of mine.. Because it is an eternal love for me.. forever!


Love does not mean grabbing the one you love.. Love means waiting and loving the one who stole your heart forever though you don’t deserve…